It's not about me

I now came to the point that I want to know myself better. Questions like. "Why am I here? What I am here for? What is the reason of me being here? Who am I really?

I thought of these things because I'm already feeling worthless. It's maybe because of the many disappointments and frustrations I am now having. And I also think I am trudging the wrong path.

I want to find myself. Know my self a little more. Find my purpose. Set my mind on track.

Day 1 of Purpose Driven life says that it's not about me. It's all about God and that everything emanates from Him. I will not find my purpose I only consider myself. I cannot answer anything I ask, only my Creator can do so.

IN SPITE OF ALL THE ADVERTISING AROUND ME, HOW CAN I REMIND MYSELF THAT LIFE IS REALLY ABOUT LIVING GOD, NOT FOR MYSELF?

I would be a hypocrite if I tell something I cannot do. I cannot change in an instant. I am not that spiritual, religious, or faithful. But I am of course trying to reach out and go back to Him.

I start to realize how wrong I am being self-centered and never putting God as the center of my life. Yes, I call for God, but I only do so when I am only in misery. Which is not good. I know it is wrong, but something inside also tells it's okay.

Then how will I change this mindset? For now, I don't know. Maybe pray that I will soon realize that everything is not about me, and realize that my very existence is for God, and that He has his own way of making me come back to Him. He knows very well what I am designed for.

Entrusting everything to Him might be the way. :)

Lost Dreams

What dreams have I forgotten?

Honestly speaking, I forgot. But if I were to devise the question into which dreams i once had, i may be able to answer.

I once dreamed to be an astronaut, a doctor or a scientist. I once had these lofty dreams when I was young because of my huge interest in science. I really thought I would tread this path until Biology, Chemistry and Physics came. My interest and my ability to cope up in these subjects deteriorated. I hated the subject, and I also hated the teachers. But nothing beats my hate for Math.

When I was a bit older, I decided to be an accountant because of my parents constant encouragement. I programmed my mind and set my path towards being an accountant for four years, until I got too engrossed in reading court room dramas and decided I want to be a lawyer.

I am now in the final years of my pre-law course, Political Science. And yet, I do not see myself as a lawyer. I've been too afraid to take risks and mistakes. I didn't want humiliation. I know, that I should get rid of this unhealthy attitude and mindset. Maybe what I need is a new environment to change, and new people to face.It seemed like running away, but I want to change, to be real, and learn standing up even when I fall many times.

My dream of being a lawyer is slowly fading. My future is uncertain.Will it completely be forgotten someday like my dream of being an astronaut, doctor and a scientist?